The party was in full swing, the massive living room area was filled with guests.

Everyone had formed an alliance. Small groups of two or more people in different parts of the room, holding conversations, laughing, eating and drinking. They all appeared to be having a great time. 

Through the glass partition that separated the living room from the dining area, I saw her and I became fascinated and excited at the same time.

I stared at her a little longer, she had a smile on her face as she chatted away animatedly.

I didn’t realise how pretty she was, I mean I knew she was pretty but I never paid attention to how pretty.

Her smile was captivating and when she laughed, it was from the bottom up with her bosom moving in rhythm.

She wore dark blue jeans with a pair of 6 inch heel, zebra striped, pointed toe shoes.

Her T shirt fit just like I remember it always did, with enough room to hide her flabby stomach but not enough to hide her heavy bosom.

It was a black T shirt with a white silhouette of Fela Anikulapo Kuti’s face embellished with tiny clear stones.

I stood there with a glass of champagne in one hand and a plate of Hors d’oeuvres in the other while I took in all her features.

I felt a lump rise up my throat as my eyes became misty with tears, I swallowed the lump immediately and smiled the tears away.

I remembered how she struggled to love her body, how she internalised being consistently called fat.

If only she knew how beautiful she was.

I watched her, she was deep in conversation with the person sitting beside her. I took a wild guess.

They just met and she was trying to encourage this person, solve a problem for her or simply sharing unsolicited information.

Whatever it was, I knew her empathy was in service.

I shook my head and smiled. It was time to go and meet her. I put the last piece of peppered chicken on my plate in my mouth, and finished the champagne in my glass.

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I wasn’t sure if she was the one. I looked up again and focused my gaze on her.

I wasn’t wrong, it was her. She looked different yet the exact same.

She was heavier and maybe looked older, but everything else looked the same.

There was an air of confidence around her that also carried a sense of peace. 

She seemed to be so sure of who she was and there was no indication of shyness about her.

She didn’t look like she was trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone.

Her poise, her gait, she carried herself like no one else in the room mattered.

She looked beautiful in her full maxi, side cut out dress that stopped just above her ankles, revealing a pair of kitten heel, tan brown pointed toe mules.

The dress was in a mustard yellow fabric with pleats on the band that made her appear cinched at the waist.

Across her chest was a Charles and Keith cross body bag in the same Tan color as her shoes.

I smiled as I looked closer and saw her name pendant hanging on one of the multilayered gold chains around her neck.

She was wearing a wig, a jawline length, straight cut wig in a shade of brown that looked amazing against her skin.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say she wasn’t wearing any make up but I knew some priming had been done to keep the oily skin and blemishes at bay.

Now, I was very eager to meet her and curious to know what she was really all about.

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“Jay”, I said, as I approached her. She stood up to meet me.

“It’s me, I mean, it’s you. I mean I am you.” I chuckled at my introduction.

She laughed too and slowly the laughter faded into a curious look, she took me in keenly, then she said quietly, almost as a whisper “You’re me, you’re Jay, an older Jay” She said and laughed again. 

We hugged for a few seconds.

“You look really beautiful Jay” she paused, looked at me again and then continued.

“Your eyes, they’re so…” 

I cut her off “Our eyes, yea, I know. Our mascara game is still on and I’ve learned to accentuate the lashes even better” I said laughing.

“Let’s find a less crowded spot” I suggested

“Yea, let’s go out to the back garden, there are chairs there” She said. She excused herself politely from the lady she was talking to and picked up her bag.

I let her lead the way.  

We sat across from each other, with a table separating us, and stared at each other. Both of us waiting for the other person to break the silence.

I imagined the myriad of questions she had for me. I wondered if I’d be able to serve her curiosity.

“You’re bigger” she started. “I thought the goal was to lose weight and keep it lost” she said with a hint of disapproval and disappointment.

I smiled, “Relax babe, don’t be so hard on yourself. Life happens”

“I’m sorry”, she whispered and looked away.

“But you really do look beautiful” She said,

“Yes we look beautiful , and we are beautiful.” I replied.

“It’s been 16, almost 17 years. Tell me, what’s been going on? How is daddy?” She asked, her eyes bright with excitement.

I had tried to prepare for this moment, I knew she would ask, there was no way she wouldn’t ask.

I’m surprised she waited this long to ask, there wouldn’t be an easy way to say it. I stayed quiet and took her hands in mine.

Squeezing them gently, I replied, “He’s an angel now Jay, he’s watching over us and I promise you he has never missed a day”

I watched as the excitement turned to confusion and then slowly she realised what I meant. I watched her burst into tears.

I couldn’t hold myself together. We both cried, deep uncontrollable sobs, mourning the loss of our father, the man whose love for us could not be fathomed.

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It took a while for her response to sink in, “He’s an angel now”, it kept echoing through my head as the reality of those words dawned on me and my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I was scared to ask any further questions but I was curious.

“Mummy?” I asked holding my breath as I tried to control the rapid heart palpitations, praying really hard that she hadn’t become an angel too.

“Mummy is fine” She smiled. “We’ve become closer than you’d ever imagine. Life is very dynamic Jay. A lot has happened in almost 17years.”

I heaved a sigh of relief.

“Tell me everything else I need to know, friends, family?” I asked.

I listened with rapt attention as she told me about our friends – the ones we had drifted away from, the ones that remained close and dear, old friendships that had been rekindled and even more intriguing were the new friends she spoke about with so much light in her eyes.

She told me about family – the turn of events after daddy died. Life is indeed very dynamic , I thought to myself, as she filled me in.

She looked amazing and appeared to have it all together and everything figured out, but I needed to know.

So I asked “How are you? How have you been all these years?

Has life been fair to us? All the things we prayed and fasted for, the dreams that got us excited, the goals we were determined to achieve. 

How far have we gone? Do we still cry from being sad. Are we happy Jay?”

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I could hear the panic she felt through her questions. Her fear was palpable.

I wasn’t going to lie to her. She’s such a smart girl, a sensitive but kind and courageous soul.

She deserved to know the truth, and more importantly to understand that the part of the truth that hurts is also a part of the beauty of life and living.

I cleared my throat and wiped a tear from my right eye with my index finger.

“Life as I see it has been beautiful Jay” I adjusted my bum to get more comfortable and straightened my back before I continued.

“God has orchestrated the rhythm of our lives into such a beautiful harmony of melodious tunes. 

What has happened while the music is playing is that we get distracted by the noise from outside.”

I paused when I saw the look on her face, the left side of her upper lip and nose had turned up in what looked like a smirk. I laughed out loud. She laughed too.

“Answer my question directly jo” She said.

I laughed “Ok, ok. Let me give it to you as it is. Life in its fairness has not been easy. 

We have felt very alone, not lonely but painfully alone.” I started, but she cut me off.

“We didn’t meet the love of our life, our soul mate?” She asked.

“We met our husband Jay, we married him 14 years ago and we’re still together.” I answered.

She looked confused, I continued before she would probe further.

“You’re a mum now, you have 3 boys” I said and watched her eyes light up. I knew that would get her excited. She always wanted to be a mum.

I told her all about the 13 years of starting and raising our family. I shared every experience with her – the exhilarating highs and the excruciating lows.

She wanted to know all about our children, I indulged her.

“They bring us so much joy Jay” I finished. Her eyes sparkled. And I could see what I assumed were tears of joy forming in her eyes.

“To answer your question, we are at a point in life where we have come to the full understanding that our ability to be happy depends on us.

We also understand now that life will always come with its downtimes and we have the power to survive.

None of our sufferings is peculiar to us Jay. Everyone is going through something and moaning about ours all the time gets boring and old.

We sometimes get sad or angry but we now understand what triggers the feeling.

Oh yes, we cry a lot, not because we’re sad and helpless, but as a way of releasing negative emotions, it’s therapeutic

We are mastering the art of enjoying God’s grace in all our situations and extending grace to others too.

So yes Jay, we are almost always at peace and that is all the happiness we need.”

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I looked at her with deep admiration. I wanted to give her a hug. I was so proud of her, proud of us, proud of how she had helped us evolve.

I took in the lessons from all she had just shared.

• To stop being afraid to take up space and own our own.
• To stop shrinking ourselves for others to feel better about themselves.
• To be the loudest voice in the room when it comes to advocating for ourselves.
• To never say never. Until we’re in a situation, we don’t know for sure what we’d do. Even the most grounded people can get uprooted.
• To not allow the negative and hurtful words of others take space in our minds, kind people correct and guide others with kind words.

I took in our mistakes

• We enabled and encouraged disrespect because we became too afraid.
• We expected too much because we assumed we gave too much.
• We considered everyone else and put ourselves last.
• We wanted to make everyone happy.
• We self sabotaged because we were told we weren’t enough and we believed it.
• We let entitled people put the weight of their burdens on us.
• We spent too much time being angry and blaming others. It turned out to be self defeating and a waste of time.

I was reeled in by our wins

• We discovered our strength through our weaknesses.
• We discovered the peace and ease that comes with taking life one day at a time.
• We learned how to be present in and enjoy the moment.
• We came fully into our own, accepted our individualism and set firm boundaries.
• We discovered the magic of being self aware.
• We met the ones who allowed us be ourselves without judgement or condemnation.
• We no longer had to suppress our desires
• We came into our opportunity to own our own.

Day had turned into night. It was now way past midnight and many of the guests had left. 

The lights from the framed bulbs in the backyard reflected on her gold name pendant. OLUJARE

I felt a lot more confident than I did a few hours ago. She’s got this, she’s got us, I thought to myself.

“God’s got us” I heard her say.

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I was happy with the outcome of the meeting. She saw me, she heard me, she believed me and most importantly, she forgave me and believed in me. 

We were aligned again, the past and the present transitioning into a future that was in God’s hands.

We stood up and I waited for her to wear her shoes.

She smiled at me and said “I know, I know, we’re now into kitten heels and 3 inch block heels. 30 plus problems”

“Girrrrllll, we’re still as stylish as ever” I replied.

We stood side by side and I took her arms in mine as we walked slowly back into the house.

“We may not have made it in the way you imagined we would have” I paused and turned to face her, I continued.

“But we’re manifesting the things we prayed for in the way and time God wants us to.

If it’s any consolation, we saw Usher live on stage at the O2 and we were this close to touching his bare skin, I did that for us” I said putting my index finger and thumb together to show how close. She giggled, bright eyed.

It will all come together Jay, okay?.”

She looked at me , the look in her eyes held a lot of admiration and love.

“You are so determined and your doggedness is crazy. I am so confident the future will be better than we ever dreamed.

Promise me one thing though.” She said still looking at me.

I tilted my head to one side, indicating that she should go ahead.

“Promise me you won’t lose your ability to be vulnerable. Promise me you will slowly let your guards down.

Promise me the hurt you’ve known won’t take away your ability to enjoy love.

Love is the foundation of our life. Love is who we are Jay.”

I choked on my tears, she was right. “Sis, that’s more than one thing na, but yea I get you and I promise”, I answered.

“We’re together now anyway, you’d keep us accountable and that’s on periodt…. Purrrrrr!!!” I did the hand gesture like the Gen Zs.

We laughed and walked away arm in arm, heads held high, hearts intertwined and full of hope, into the beginning of the rest of our life.

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I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I’d be turning 37 in a few days and I had a meeting with my 20 year old self..

This is a summary of that meeting and I hope it inspires you to take stock of your life and be appreciative of how far you’ve come.

We’ve all been through one thing or the other but we still have years ahead of us and we can make the most of those years without letting the past hold us back.

Life as I see it can be a bed of roses , yes with prickly thorns, but that’s life right?

Love and light my darlings. I’d be back again.